What is your Parenting Style?

Suppose your child, let’s call him Sid, goes and pinches his little brother in his sleep when he thinks no one is looking and runs away. Sid is very young, how would you discipline him?

There are many ways to deal with the above situation –

1. You tell Sid to go to his room for the rest of the day and take away his favourite.
2. You, rather mildly, tell him that he did a bad thing and should not repeat it.
3. You sit down and ask your child why he did what he did, tell him why it was a bad idea and should not be repeated in the future, how he may hurt his younger brother and give him a minor punishment like not giving him desert after dinner.
4. You ignore the incident and let the children settle it themselves.

The ways of disciplining a child reflect important parenting styles as put forward by the psychologist “Diana Baumrind”. Each pattern of parenting tends to produce certain patterns of behaviours in their children.

1) “Authoritarian Parenting”. Parents are strict and controlling. They expect unquestioning obedience from their children. Their general rationale is “because I said so”. They are demanding, but they do not value their children’s opinions.
Children of authoritarian parents tend to be socially withdrawn. Girls become dependent on their parents and boys are unusually hostile. They have low self-esteem. They are good followers but because their parents make decisions for them they never learn to be self-reliant or have self-control. They aren’t independent since they are never encouraged to explore on their own. They start associating obedience and success with love.
Restrictions are important for children but so is warmth and love, and this is lacking in this style of parenting.

2) “Permissive Parenting”. This is often known as indulgent parenting. Parents place few restrictions on their children and give inconsistent feedback. They don’t expect self-control from their children so they rarely discipline them. They may be loving and nurturing but they don’t feel like they hold any responsibility over their children’s actions. They act more as friends then parents.
Their children tend to be dependent and moody; they display a lack of self-control and low social skills possibly because they were never taught any, for e.g. they may have good interpersonal skills but they may have never been taught to share.  They are often self-involved and demanding. They may be unruly at school, and have less motivation to do well. They often have problems with authority. Studies suggest that permissive parenting is linked to many forms of misconduct like underage drinking, drug abuse etc.

3)  “Authoritative Parenting”. This is largely considered the most effective style of parenting. The parents tend to be relatively strict and place clear and firm restrictions and demands on their children. They are also loving and warm. They explain why they are giving certain punishments and why they should not act in a certain way. They let their children explain the situation and change their responses accordingly; they are firm but also flexible. They encourage their children’s independence and help develop their reasoning skills. They act as role models so they help their children internalise these skills!
Their children tend to be happy, independent, friendly, assertive and cooperative. They are successful, likable and have a strong motivation to achieve. They learn to control their behaviour, emotions and relationships quite well since they know what to expect and what is expected of them in social situations. They are confident about their abilities to learn new skills.

4)  “Uninvolved Parenting”. They are emotionally detached from their children and feel that their role is simply to provide food, money, shelter etc. they display no interest in their children and in this way communicate rejection. They have no expectations from their children and often show very little warmth, love and affection towards their children. In fact in a more severe form this results in neglect which is a form of child abuse.
This style often develops because parents are too busy with their work or their problems to realise how uninvolved they are as parents and sometimes because their own parents were uninvolved.
Their children have a disrupted emotional development. They feel unloved. Their physical and cognitive development is lowered; they perform badly in almost every area of life. Their lack of social skills may be because they were never taught appropriate behaviours in social situation. They may be afraid of depending on anyone else. They often exhibit delinquent behaviour as adolescents and are at a high risk for substance abuse.

There are of course many exceptions, children of authoritarian or permissive parents may be successful, and of authoritative style may not. It is best to use an adaptable style of parenting, switching into a more dominant style of parenting in certain extreme cases (where the children’s safety in concerned) and sometimes being more permissive as they grow. Parent’s actions are very important in shaping their children’s behaviour and success in life!