Ten simple ways to teach morality to preschoolers

Children’s view of the world, especially that of toddlers is very different from that of adults. Toddlers or preschool children often have an egocentric view of the world, but don’t worry! This will reduce as they learn to take in different perspectives of a situation. Till then they assume that everyone sees things the same way that they do (if you play hide and seek with a young child you will notice how he hides in plain view by simply covering his own eyes, he assumes that if he cannot see anyone then, obviously no one can see him either!) and that as long they are doing something that protects the self-interest, they are doing the right thing. Understandably, the road to morality, a sense of justice and fair play is a slow and difficult one.

Piaget a leading child psychologist to emphasised how children’s morality grows with the increase in cognition, or mental reasoning, thinking and memory. The morality of preschool children was also described by Kohlberg. According to both, preschool children’s sense of fair play is based on –

Based on their perspectives, needs and whims. – For e.g. they may not like other children for not sharing, but may themselves not be able to share their own toy and give the explanation “I need it”. For them anything they believe is in their self-interest is their right, but cannot extend the same understanding to other children! On the basis of all this you should learn to understand that children do not mean to be selfish or self-centred, they just haven’t learnt any better.

Absolutes – Things will always be considered either good or bad without thinking of the consequences.

 Whether or not an action will evoke punishment – They believe that anything that results in punishment is wrong regardless of the reason that something was done and that anything that elicits a reward is correct.

In addition, they have an incomplete understanding of cause and effect. They believe that a bad (naughty) deed cannot go unpunished even if they are not caught. For e.g. Children often take the blame for things like divorce of their parents. “My parents are separating because I was a naughty child.”

Rules – Rules are always considered constants and breaking them is always wrong, even if they are just rules of a game.

Authority – They believe something said by a person in an authoritative position is always right.That is why it is so easy for someone older than them to convince them to do things.

     They do eventually start taking others perspectives into consideration. Still emphasis tends to remain on being a good boy or girl. Their helpful nature persists as long as they don’t hurt their self-interest. Children have the potential to be emphatic from a young age, the understanding of what other people feel, babies under the age of one cry when they hear others cry, and as they start to understand empathy, along with other positive emotions like sympathy, moral behaviour too grows.

Here are ten ways to help increase morality in children -

1. Model good behaviour – by good I mean moral, just, show them how you are helpful towards others. But also explain the act and how it made you feel good about yourself.
2. Use reasoning – when they do something selfish, explain why what they did was wrong. Teach them how they can do better. Make sure they start understanding that people have different perspectives.
3. A sorry should never be commanded, teach them to say sorry only if they mean it.
4. Encourage role playing – they will learn what it is like to be someone else and how different people feel differently.
5. Explain the concept of intentions and motives – make them realise that people are not absolutes; people may do a bad deed but may have reasons that justify the deed. Children may not understand this immediately but as they grow up they will realise that right and wrong are often mixed.
6. Let them come to their own solutions when faced with a dilemma.
7. Read them stories with morals and those that show that morality has its own rewards. It takes time for a child to understand abstract people. Try using real life people whom they know and real life rewards.
8. Always be honest and express how you feel about things.
9. Children do not often realise that the way they act may affect how others feel; make them realise there is a connection.
10. Always praise their good behaviour.

Sibling Rivalry – A Parent’s Role

A frequent cause for worry amongst parents raising children is the competitive behavior and attitude displayed between siblings, commonly known as sibling rivalry. Fights for attention, recognition and special treatment are a regular occurrence when raising young children, right from the time they’re born, and sometimes even before. What makes this even more baffling for parents is the speed at which everything returns to normal, with brothers or sisters going back to their usual friendly relations, only to be soured again at a moment’s notice.

The tribulations and drama of sibling rivalry goes back long way. They form the basis of some of most ancient myths and stories, from the tales of Ganesh and Kartikeya, to Abel and Cain and Mukesh and Anil Ambani.

Yet, for all its presence in our lives since the beginnings of recorded history, it is still a behavior wrought with mystery and complications, making its management no easy task for parents.

Early Beginnings

Right from the age of 1, babies are able to understand and function on the basic dynamics of interpersonal relationships, and bonds with brothers or sisters form in their own distinctive way. By the age of 3, children start acting and behaving in response to the way their siblings are treated, and the beginnings of attention-seeking and jealous behavior take shape.

Comparison is a no-no

Although it comes naturally to a parent to feel that an under achieving or misbehaving child can learn from the ‘successful’ behavior and attitude of a less error prone sibling, it must be understood that the innate sense of competitiveness and rivalry between siblings results in the positive or educative part of the parent’s message getting lost. The child being corrected only sees the situation as one in which he is the ‘loser’ and his brother/sister the ‘winner’. Parents should instead attempt to instill the values of other role model figures, without needing to extol the virtues of a sibling to value of beneficial behaviors, such as kindness, generosity and hard work. Parents should ensure that their behavior around their children always falls in line with what they would expect from them, with no temper tantrums, door slamming and yelling happening.

Individuality

Each child comes with his or her own temperament, attitude and disposition. Avoid stereotyping and labeling, as such measures can only lead to further intensification of unwanted behavior and conflicts.

Respect and honor age differences

Many a times, the privileges and restrictions that come with age cause fights and quarrels amongst growing siblings. In these cases, it is important to remain firm with the rules you have set in place (given their ages) and show fairness and impartiality. Make it clear to younger children that with ages comes certain freedoms and responsibilities and ensure that older children strive to be examples worth looking up to.

Don’t dismiss negative sibling feelings

It’s very common for children to have negative feelings towards their siblings. Instead of dismissing them, acknowledge them! Else they will feel frustrated for not being understood and listened to.

For instance: If an elder sibling feels jealous of the younger one and says “You don’t love me; you are always spending time with the baby”

You say: “That’s wrong of you to think that way; you are a big boy now” – Child will feel dismissed

Instead you should say: “Don’t you like me spending time with your little sis? Come let’s all spend time together” –Feels listened to and wanted

It’s not all warfare

All sibling rivalry isn’t a bad thing. It’s important for a child to be assertive, communicate his ideas and learn the arts of negotiation and compromise. Healthy competition with a strong, familial bond is how most sibling relationships end up, and as parents our role is to lay the right foundation and instill the right values right from an early age so that we can allow their lives to come into bloom in harmony and as one family. 

Initiative Vs Guilt : Developing a positive self-concept in your child

Self-concept

Self-concept is a person’s identity or set of beliefs about oneself. This may come as a shock to many people, but a child’s self-concept is formed from a very young age and, as is true for everything else, at this age parents and guardians make the biggest difference in developing a positive self-concept.

Toddlers from the age of 3 – 6 years, go through what psychologist Erik Erikson labelled “initiative vs. guilt” stage.

What does taking an initiative mean?

Initiative means taking action, or an introductory step or act; the leading act. Toddlers begin to explore their concepts about self by trying to make their own decisions. Another part of this stage is autonomy or independence, which toddlers start experimenting with at this stage. For instance, children may try to dress themselves and develop their own sense of style. They try to assert themselves through their interactions with others or during play.

Why do children feel guilty?

The worst thing a parent can do is discourage or yell at them, this would create a sense of guilt and feeling of inadequacy that may last their entire life time!  As parents you are the most important people in their life; if they think that you don’t trust them or that they are not capable, it may cause them to think that what they want or what they do is always wrong. Children start asking a lot of questions at this age but if parents treat these as trivial or stupid, children start feeling like a nuisance; they may start feeling ashamed of themselves and become overly dependent on others. So basically too much guilt will prevent a child from taking any initiative.

Dangers of Impulsiveness

But on the other hand if too much freedom is given, children become out of control and may do things that are dangerous at their age, like running into the middle of the road. And so, a little guilt becomes essential. Children at this age are very impulsive; they won’t think about what will happen later, so as parents you aren’t wrong in trying to stop them from making mistakes either! Parents need to find a balance between initiative and guilt. This can be done by talking about the consequences of actions, setting firm limits and punishments. Encouraging children to realise the connection between actions and consequences is extremely important to induce the right type of guilt. In this way the child will have enough guilt to avoid impulsiveness, but not so much that he never takes initiative.

So what should you, as parents do?

As parents learn to be a guide and facilitator, answer their questions, firmly set rules and encourage them to learn new activities, always let their imagination run free. Another handy tip is to ask your toddler questions like, what he would like to eat? Where would he like to go today? What would he like to wear? Give him some control over his environment and force him to think about his choices, it will make him realise that his opinion is important and also induce in him a feeling of responsibility.

Of course, at this point, the first thing that would come to a toddlers mind when asked what to he would like to eat is chocolate! So try giving less open ended questions? Would you like to eat beans or spinach?  This way you can slyly trick your child into eating healthy, and he’ll be forced to finish it because he will feel like it was his choice!

The following amateur video shows, in an interesting way, how to give a child the freedom of taking the initiative but without inducing too much guilt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvmwdN3qwX8