A frequent cause for worry amongst parents
raising children is the competitive behavior and attitude displayed between
siblings, commonly known as sibling rivalry. Fights for attention, recognition
and special treatment are a regular occurrence when raising young children,
right from the time they’re born, and sometimes even before. What makes this
even more baffling for parents is the speed at which everything returns to
normal, with brothers or sisters going back to their usual friendly relations,
only to be soured again at a moment’s notice.
The tribulations and drama of sibling
rivalry goes back long way. They form the basis of some of most ancient myths
and stories, from the tales of Ganesh and Kartikeya, to Abel and Cain and
Mukesh and Anil Ambani.
Yet, for all its presence in our lives
since the beginnings of recorded history, it is still a behavior wrought with
mystery and complications, making its management no easy task for parents.
Early
Beginnings
Right from the age of 1, babies are able to
understand and function on the basic dynamics of interpersonal relationships,
and bonds with brothers or sisters form in their own distinctive way. By the
age of 3, children start acting and behaving in response to the way their
siblings are treated, and the beginnings of attention-seeking and jealous
behavior take shape.
Comparison
is a no-no
Although it comes naturally to a parent to
feel that an under achieving or misbehaving child can learn from the
‘successful’ behavior and attitude of a less error prone sibling, it must be
understood that the innate sense of competitiveness and rivalry between
siblings results in the positive or educative part of the parent’s message
getting lost. The child being corrected only sees the situation as one in which
he is the ‘loser’ and his brother/sister the ‘winner’. Parents should instead
attempt to instill the values of other role model figures, without needing to
extol the virtues of a sibling to value of beneficial behaviors, such as
kindness, generosity and hard work. Parents should ensure that their behavior
around their children always falls in line with what they would expect from
them, with no temper tantrums, door slamming and yelling happening.
Individuality
Each child comes with his or her own
temperament, attitude and disposition. Avoid stereotyping and labeling, as such
measures can only lead to further intensification of unwanted behavior and
conflicts.
Respect and
honor age differences
Many a times, the privileges and
restrictions that come with age cause fights and quarrels amongst growing
siblings. In these cases, it is important to remain firm with the rules you
have set in place (given their ages) and show fairness and impartiality. Make
it clear to younger children that with ages comes certain freedoms and responsibilities
and ensure that older children strive to be examples worth looking up to.
Don’t
dismiss negative sibling feelings
It’s very common for children to have
negative feelings towards their siblings. Instead of dismissing them,
acknowledge them! Else they will feel frustrated for not being understood and listened
to.
For instance: If an elder sibling feels jealous
of the younger one and says “You don’t love me; you are always spending
time with the baby”
You say: “That’s wrong of you to think that
way; you are a big boy now” – Child will feel dismissed
Instead you should say: “Don’t you like me
spending time with your little sis? Come let’s all spend time together” –Feels listened
to and wanted
It’s not
all warfare
All sibling rivalry isn’t a bad thing. It’s
important for a child to be assertive, communicate his ideas and learn the arts
of negotiation and compromise. Healthy competition with a strong, familial bond
is how most sibling relationships end up, and as parents our role is to lay the
right foundation and instill the right values right from an early age so that
we can allow their lives to come into bloom in harmony and as one family.
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