Ten simple ways to teach morality to preschoolers

Children’s view of the world, especially that of toddlers is very different from that of adults. Toddlers or preschool children often have an egocentric view of the world, but don’t worry! This will reduce as they learn to take in different perspectives of a situation. Till then they assume that everyone sees things the same way that they do (if you play hide and seek with a young child you will notice how he hides in plain view by simply covering his own eyes, he assumes that if he cannot see anyone then, obviously no one can see him either!) and that as long they are doing something that protects the self-interest, they are doing the right thing. Understandably, the road to morality, a sense of justice and fair play is a slow and difficult one.

Piaget a leading child psychologist to emphasised how children’s morality grows with the increase in cognition, or mental reasoning, thinking and memory. The morality of preschool children was also described by Kohlberg. According to both, preschool children’s sense of fair play is based on –

Based on their perspectives, needs and whims. – For e.g. they may not like other children for not sharing, but may themselves not be able to share their own toy and give the explanation “I need it”. For them anything they believe is in their self-interest is their right, but cannot extend the same understanding to other children! On the basis of all this you should learn to understand that children do not mean to be selfish or self-centred, they just haven’t learnt any better.

Absolutes – Things will always be considered either good or bad without thinking of the consequences.

 Whether or not an action will evoke punishment – They believe that anything that results in punishment is wrong regardless of the reason that something was done and that anything that elicits a reward is correct.

In addition, they have an incomplete understanding of cause and effect. They believe that a bad (naughty) deed cannot go unpunished even if they are not caught. For e.g. Children often take the blame for things like divorce of their parents. “My parents are separating because I was a naughty child.”

Rules – Rules are always considered constants and breaking them is always wrong, even if they are just rules of a game.

Authority – They believe something said by a person in an authoritative position is always right.That is why it is so easy for someone older than them to convince them to do things.

     They do eventually start taking others perspectives into consideration. Still emphasis tends to remain on being a good boy or girl. Their helpful nature persists as long as they don’t hurt their self-interest. Children have the potential to be emphatic from a young age, the understanding of what other people feel, babies under the age of one cry when they hear others cry, and as they start to understand empathy, along with other positive emotions like sympathy, moral behaviour too grows.

Here are ten ways to help increase morality in children -

1. Model good behaviour – by good I mean moral, just, show them how you are helpful towards others. But also explain the act and how it made you feel good about yourself.
2. Use reasoning – when they do something selfish, explain why what they did was wrong. Teach them how they can do better. Make sure they start understanding that people have different perspectives.
3. A sorry should never be commanded, teach them to say sorry only if they mean it.
4. Encourage role playing – they will learn what it is like to be someone else and how different people feel differently.
5. Explain the concept of intentions and motives – make them realise that people are not absolutes; people may do a bad deed but may have reasons that justify the deed. Children may not understand this immediately but as they grow up they will realise that right and wrong are often mixed.
6. Let them come to their own solutions when faced with a dilemma.
7. Read them stories with morals and those that show that morality has its own rewards. It takes time for a child to understand abstract people. Try using real life people whom they know and real life rewards.
8. Always be honest and express how you feel about things.
9. Children do not often realise that the way they act may affect how others feel; make them realise there is a connection.
10. Always praise their good behaviour.

Sibling Rivalry – A Parent’s Role

A frequent cause for worry amongst parents raising children is the competitive behavior and attitude displayed between siblings, commonly known as sibling rivalry. Fights for attention, recognition and special treatment are a regular occurrence when raising young children, right from the time they’re born, and sometimes even before. What makes this even more baffling for parents is the speed at which everything returns to normal, with brothers or sisters going back to their usual friendly relations, only to be soured again at a moment’s notice.

The tribulations and drama of sibling rivalry goes back long way. They form the basis of some of most ancient myths and stories, from the tales of Ganesh and Kartikeya, to Abel and Cain and Mukesh and Anil Ambani.

Yet, for all its presence in our lives since the beginnings of recorded history, it is still a behavior wrought with mystery and complications, making its management no easy task for parents.

Early Beginnings

Right from the age of 1, babies are able to understand and function on the basic dynamics of interpersonal relationships, and bonds with brothers or sisters form in their own distinctive way. By the age of 3, children start acting and behaving in response to the way their siblings are treated, and the beginnings of attention-seeking and jealous behavior take shape.

Comparison is a no-no

Although it comes naturally to a parent to feel that an under achieving or misbehaving child can learn from the ‘successful’ behavior and attitude of a less error prone sibling, it must be understood that the innate sense of competitiveness and rivalry between siblings results in the positive or educative part of the parent’s message getting lost. The child being corrected only sees the situation as one in which he is the ‘loser’ and his brother/sister the ‘winner’. Parents should instead attempt to instill the values of other role model figures, without needing to extol the virtues of a sibling to value of beneficial behaviors, such as kindness, generosity and hard work. Parents should ensure that their behavior around their children always falls in line with what they would expect from them, with no temper tantrums, door slamming and yelling happening.

Individuality

Each child comes with his or her own temperament, attitude and disposition. Avoid stereotyping and labeling, as such measures can only lead to further intensification of unwanted behavior and conflicts.

Respect and honor age differences

Many a times, the privileges and restrictions that come with age cause fights and quarrels amongst growing siblings. In these cases, it is important to remain firm with the rules you have set in place (given their ages) and show fairness and impartiality. Make it clear to younger children that with ages comes certain freedoms and responsibilities and ensure that older children strive to be examples worth looking up to.

Don’t dismiss negative sibling feelings

It’s very common for children to have negative feelings towards their siblings. Instead of dismissing them, acknowledge them! Else they will feel frustrated for not being understood and listened to.

For instance: If an elder sibling feels jealous of the younger one and says “You don’t love me; you are always spending time with the baby”

You say: “That’s wrong of you to think that way; you are a big boy now” – Child will feel dismissed

Instead you should say: “Don’t you like me spending time with your little sis? Come let’s all spend time together” –Feels listened to and wanted

It’s not all warfare

All sibling rivalry isn’t a bad thing. It’s important for a child to be assertive, communicate his ideas and learn the arts of negotiation and compromise. Healthy competition with a strong, familial bond is how most sibling relationships end up, and as parents our role is to lay the right foundation and instill the right values right from an early age so that we can allow their lives to come into bloom in harmony and as one family. 

Initiative Vs Guilt : Developing a positive self-concept in your child

Self-concept

Self-concept is a person’s identity or set of beliefs about oneself. This may come as a shock to many people, but a child’s self-concept is formed from a very young age and, as is true for everything else, at this age parents and guardians make the biggest difference in developing a positive self-concept.

Toddlers from the age of 3 – 6 years, go through what psychologist Erik Erikson labelled “initiative vs. guilt” stage.

What does taking an initiative mean?

Initiative means taking action, or an introductory step or act; the leading act. Toddlers begin to explore their concepts about self by trying to make their own decisions. Another part of this stage is autonomy or independence, which toddlers start experimenting with at this stage. For instance, children may try to dress themselves and develop their own sense of style. They try to assert themselves through their interactions with others or during play.

Why do children feel guilty?

The worst thing a parent can do is discourage or yell at them, this would create a sense of guilt and feeling of inadequacy that may last their entire life time!  As parents you are the most important people in their life; if they think that you don’t trust them or that they are not capable, it may cause them to think that what they want or what they do is always wrong. Children start asking a lot of questions at this age but if parents treat these as trivial or stupid, children start feeling like a nuisance; they may start feeling ashamed of themselves and become overly dependent on others. So basically too much guilt will prevent a child from taking any initiative.

Dangers of Impulsiveness

But on the other hand if too much freedom is given, children become out of control and may do things that are dangerous at their age, like running into the middle of the road. And so, a little guilt becomes essential. Children at this age are very impulsive; they won’t think about what will happen later, so as parents you aren’t wrong in trying to stop them from making mistakes either! Parents need to find a balance between initiative and guilt. This can be done by talking about the consequences of actions, setting firm limits and punishments. Encouraging children to realise the connection between actions and consequences is extremely important to induce the right type of guilt. In this way the child will have enough guilt to avoid impulsiveness, but not so much that he never takes initiative.

So what should you, as parents do?

As parents learn to be a guide and facilitator, answer their questions, firmly set rules and encourage them to learn new activities, always let their imagination run free. Another handy tip is to ask your toddler questions like, what he would like to eat? Where would he like to go today? What would he like to wear? Give him some control over his environment and force him to think about his choices, it will make him realise that his opinion is important and also induce in him a feeling of responsibility.

Of course, at this point, the first thing that would come to a toddlers mind when asked what to he would like to eat is chocolate! So try giving less open ended questions? Would you like to eat beans or spinach?  This way you can slyly trick your child into eating healthy, and he’ll be forced to finish it because he will feel like it was his choice!

The following amateur video shows, in an interesting way, how to give a child the freedom of taking the initiative but without inducing too much guilt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvmwdN3qwX8

Boost creativity, intelligence and cognition with Music

Today, many parents or aspiring parents are familiar with the technique of incorporating music into a toddler’s upbringing. It has become accepted that music can play a vital role in giving the young ones’ brains a creative, intelligent boost. The most common ways this is done are by playing music to the child on a regular basis, or teaching them how to play music on their own, which has its own amazing set of benefits (the hand-eye coordination and the counterbalancing of one hand’s motions with the other when playing an instrument do wonders for a developing mind, whether toddler or teenager).

And then there is music that you didn’t even know was there – like the sing song tone of a mother’s voice, or a softy hummed lullaby.

In fact, talking to a baby in a sing song voice, in baby language (known as infant directed speech), helps the baby to attach the soothing tune and tone to a mother and her love.

Children process music, melody and sound patterns right from the beginning

From birth up till the age of 3, the brain is 2.5 more active than the adult brain. It is constantly learning, with an unquenchable curiosity for all the things their senses and the environment around them are exposing them to. Learning and absorbing of new information is happening every hour of every day, and there is no better time to give your baby’s brain a strong mental, emotional and logical foundation on which it will function for the rest of their precious lives.

How Music does its Magic

Music is the arrangement of structures consisting of sounds and beats following a distinct, layered pattern. If we took even a relatively simple song, broke it down into its separate components and asked you to listen to them individually and form, let alone remember, the tune, it would be a pretty hard task. But put them together (a song), and voila, not only can you remember everything about the melody with ease, but it can even get stuck in your head! This is not because the mind is somehow muting complexity, but because of the order and pattern found in music, it can process the separate components subconsciously and easily form a coherent, recognizable whole. This entire process, especially in young, developing minds, is a brilliant, tested way to vastly improve memory and cognitive skills.

As we talked about earlier, Myelination is programmed to majorly occur during this period, wherein neural connections and key neurological infrastructure are being formed. It is important to feed the brain and the nervous system with stimulation, love and learning experiences during this period so as to help the baby’s brain develop a strong, robust foundation.

  

Let their little worlds rock!

Their minds are at a point where every pleasure, no matter how small, is eventful. A melody that a baby enjoys, stays in her/his mind, and whenever she/he hears it, happiness ensues. Fill your child’s life with such experiences and you’re guaranteed to raise a cheerful, upbeat little firecracker!

What is your Parenting Style?

Suppose your child, let’s call him Sid, goes and pinches his little brother in his sleep when he thinks no one is looking and runs away. Sid is very young, how would you discipline him?

There are many ways to deal with the above situation –

1. You tell Sid to go to his room for the rest of the day and take away his favourite.
2. You, rather mildly, tell him that he did a bad thing and should not repeat it.
3. You sit down and ask your child why he did what he did, tell him why it was a bad idea and should not be repeated in the future, how he may hurt his younger brother and give him a minor punishment like not giving him desert after dinner.
4. You ignore the incident and let the children settle it themselves.

The ways of disciplining a child reflect important parenting styles as put forward by the psychologist “Diana Baumrind”. Each pattern of parenting tends to produce certain patterns of behaviours in their children.

1) “Authoritarian Parenting”. Parents are strict and controlling. They expect unquestioning obedience from their children. Their general rationale is “because I said so”. They are demanding, but they do not value their children’s opinions.
Children of authoritarian parents tend to be socially withdrawn. Girls become dependent on their parents and boys are unusually hostile. They have low self-esteem. They are good followers but because their parents make decisions for them they never learn to be self-reliant or have self-control. They aren’t independent since they are never encouraged to explore on their own. They start associating obedience and success with love.
Restrictions are important for children but so is warmth and love, and this is lacking in this style of parenting.

2) “Permissive Parenting”. This is often known as indulgent parenting. Parents place few restrictions on their children and give inconsistent feedback. They don’t expect self-control from their children so they rarely discipline them. They may be loving and nurturing but they don’t feel like they hold any responsibility over their children’s actions. They act more as friends then parents.
Their children tend to be dependent and moody; they display a lack of self-control and low social skills possibly because they were never taught any, for e.g. they may have good interpersonal skills but they may have never been taught to share.  They are often self-involved and demanding. They may be unruly at school, and have less motivation to do well. They often have problems with authority. Studies suggest that permissive parenting is linked to many forms of misconduct like underage drinking, drug abuse etc.

3)  “Authoritative Parenting”. This is largely considered the most effective style of parenting. The parents tend to be relatively strict and place clear and firm restrictions and demands on their children. They are also loving and warm. They explain why they are giving certain punishments and why they should not act in a certain way. They let their children explain the situation and change their responses accordingly; they are firm but also flexible. They encourage their children’s independence and help develop their reasoning skills. They act as role models so they help their children internalise these skills!
Their children tend to be happy, independent, friendly, assertive and cooperative. They are successful, likable and have a strong motivation to achieve. They learn to control their behaviour, emotions and relationships quite well since they know what to expect and what is expected of them in social situations. They are confident about their abilities to learn new skills.

4)  “Uninvolved Parenting”. They are emotionally detached from their children and feel that their role is simply to provide food, money, shelter etc. they display no interest in their children and in this way communicate rejection. They have no expectations from their children and often show very little warmth, love and affection towards their children. In fact in a more severe form this results in neglect which is a form of child abuse.
This style often develops because parents are too busy with their work or their problems to realise how uninvolved they are as parents and sometimes because their own parents were uninvolved.
Their children have a disrupted emotional development. They feel unloved. Their physical and cognitive development is lowered; they perform badly in almost every area of life. Their lack of social skills may be because they were never taught appropriate behaviours in social situation. They may be afraid of depending on anyone else. They often exhibit delinquent behaviour as adolescents and are at a high risk for substance abuse.

There are of course many exceptions, children of authoritarian or permissive parents may be successful, and of authoritative style may not. It is best to use an adaptable style of parenting, switching into a more dominant style of parenting in certain extreme cases (where the children’s safety in concerned) and sometimes being more permissive as they grow. Parent’s actions are very important in shaping their children’s behaviour and success in life! 

Brain Food for your Child

As we’ve spoken about in our previous posts, the brain of a young child/ toddler is undergoing crucial, rapid development and is going through a sea of changes as it forms and matures, becoming the most complex and fascinating organ of our bodies.

The Importance of Diet

It goes without saying that diet, nutrition and both physical and mental well

being plays a huge part in shaping our young brains. The brain is the body’s most demanding unit, consuming more calories than any other. According to Dr. Vikram Singh, a neurologist at Moolchand Medcity in New Delhi, “It uses up roughly half the calories we consume every day”.

It is essential that the brain gets its regular supply of vital nutrients, minerals and other forms of nourishment to ensure its healthy development.

What to Eat

Omega 3 Fatty Acids

Foods containing Omega 3, such as fish and plant oils, are on the biggest contributors to brain health. Peanut Butter is a great brain food that contains Omega 3 and it’s something that all kids love. Add a touch of sweetness and health by adding chopped berries, like blueberries, to a peanut butter sandwich, your kids will love it! Berries are also rich in antioxidants, which are responsible for keeping your brain and your body fresh and maintained from the inside.

Veggies!

Broccoli, Cauliflower and Beans might not by your child’s favorite food, but they’re all high in choline, a nutrient essential for developing memory and the channels through which the brains communicates with the rest of the body. There you go, another reason for your children all their greens!

Whole Grains

By now, most people know about the benefit of whole grains to our diet, and it’s not surprising that they do wonders for children too. These complex carbohydrates are one of the most important sources of energy (Glucose). Unlike sweets and other sugary foods, which have glucose but lack fiber, whole grains such as whole grain bread, pasta and cereal deliver and create energy in the body in a slower, more natural process, so you won’t have to worry about hyperactivity and crankiness usually displayed by small children upon consuming sugary foodstuff. This is also relatively simple to inculcate in their diets, since all kids love cereal. Simply buy a whole grain version the next time, it might cost a little more, but your kids are worth it. Same goes for the bread you make their sandwiches with.

Milk and Ghee

The importance of a regular supply of cow’s milk cannot be understated. Rich in so many essential nutrients, it is described in Ayurveda as an essential brain food, along with Ghee. Especially at a young, tender age, milk protein helps form neurotransmitters and mental acuity. Combining milk with another well known, ayurvedic brain food – Almonds, gives it an even greater nutritional punch.

Be wholesome and Holistic

As always, remember that a wide variety of food and a balanced diet is what is required for a healthy body as well as a healthy mind. Avoid foods that contain additives, preservatives and other chemicals you’re not sure about. Don’t assume that food companies always have your child’s best interests in mind and always be aware. Buy fresh food, and only feed your child organic, unprocessed produce.

Ensuring the Healthy Development of Your Child’s Brain

Using cutting edge technology such an in-depth MRI scans, scientists today have painstakingly put together each and every process that our brains undergo in their development, from conception to death. In the course of this research, the scientific community has reached a virtual consensus that the major chunk of our brain’s development falls in the age 0-3 category, setting the stage and factors for life ahead in a myriad of ways. It is at this stage that greatest care must be taken to ensure that a child enjoys opportunities to explore, create, make mistakes and learn in an environment of love, trust and happiness. The inculcating of the values you want your child to espouse in this period itself is crucial, and it is during this phase that these values, or the lack of them, get cemented.

The Newborn Brain

At birth, our brains have already undergone some degree of development – we have the ability to breathe, see, eat, sleep, hear, smell, vocalize and recognize the touch and faces of people close to us. But this is minor compared to the rapid growth experienced up till age 3, at which the brain is already at 75% of its expected adult size. All areas of the brain experience this growth and development, from logic, reason and language to creativity, personality and individual tendencies. Billions of new cells are produced in this period and literally hundreds of trillions of cell connections are formed within the brain (1000 trillion synapses by age 3).

Nature vs. Nurture

The science has confirmed to us what we intuitively know: that both our genetics and the environment play equally important roles in defining who we become as individuals. Genes set the wiring and basic framework of our nervous systems, while experience moulds, shapes and fine tunes this elaborate network to make us who we are. Genes are responsible for the proper functioning of this system, its development and maintenance, and in this sense, the roles they play are fixed. Experience and the surrounding environment play the part of the dynamic element that makes us distinct individuals, and even go so far as to influence the physical structure of the brain during development! This clearly indicates that a lack of care, stimulation and parental warmth heavily contribute to the inadequate development of healthy mind, leading the flaws in the child’s (and eventually adult’s) persona.

Critical Period

It is thus easily understood that this is a critical period of a child’s life, and that careful attention needs to be paid to all aspects of his/her upbringing to ensure that all areas of the mind get their stimulation, exercise and training.

• Your baby is building his visual skills, and identifies things and people. Encourage and reward this behavior, as it builds spatial and recognition abilities.
• Verbal input from the parent is vital for language skills to develop. A child will not learn on his/her own, and needs your constant guidance with words, pronunciation and grammar.
• Be patient – Children at this stage process information slowly, as their brains are undergoing a process known as myelination, wherein the brains are forming myelin, white fatty tissue that is crucial for the clear, fast transmission of signals and messages across nerve networks.
• Memories – As babies, we are all born with implicit memories. These are subconscious memories, such as remembering the sound of a mother’s voice. Explicit Memory develops from age 2, and thus the system of conscious learning, on which all behavior is based, begins.

The key to growing a healthy mind is to let it grow naturally. Let your child learn from experience and a gentle, loving guidance. Fear and stressful situations should be avoided at all costs at such an impressionable age, and remember, the more love and care you incorporate into your approach now, the happier your children will grow to be for the rest of their lives.